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Old 29th October 2014
Charles Manson Charles Manson is offline
 
Join Date: 25th October 2014
Location: Prison
Posts: 7
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Fight or Flight

I knew from the beginning what was going to happen, I just did not wanted to realize it and acknowledge that fact to others. It is one of those moments that you know the truth but you don’t say it out loud so that people won’t think of you as a weak minded person. Sometimes you do stuff just because of the peer pressure. You pray that if someone could come out and say No! then you can follow them. However my luck was shit – it was not going to happen that day. Fate was decided and I just had to follow what was already written. Everyone kept saying

“Jump! Larry!”

“Do it!”

“Yeeaaaa, you got it man!”.

I was standing there like a fool, pretending to be all macho ready to dive into this river which was like 80 feet from where I was standing. Man! I tell you what, you can do all the yoga and meditating crap but it won’t give you the silence that I had in my mind at that moment. I was maxed out into this whole different zone that, this is it! After couple of minutes I am gonna feel so much pain and there is no way out of it now so if I am going to do it atleast I won’t be a pussy about it and go out in style. We were like 24 college kids right out in the middle of the jungle – boozing and doing all nasty stuff that we could smoke or snort the fuck up. Thanks to the “respect” code in the group, you could actually say no to drugs and you would be honoured for your choice so I had never tried any of it and now I am standing here and thinking about what Neitzche said “if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you” and I could imagine this river with flowing water ready to open its mouth to swallow me. I mean I couldn’t even hear what was going down there but I had to do it. Kathy was there, cheering with everyone and she already made out with me and all I needed to do some macho shit and that was going to get me laid tonight. I was always smart, 10 years ahead of my age but that stuff made me a loser who got screwed up with and bullied at early times. Enough is enough! I said to myself and I hit up the gym, changed my wardrobe and shed away the skin of a smart ass kid and zipped up with this new macho non sense dumb cool kid. Atleast now I was a loser in my own eyes and not in front of the world. Being a cool kid has its own drawbacks, I knew it but I thought it would be something like getting into a fight with other guys and shit like that. I was prepared for it, I took up kick boxing basics in gym so that atleast I can show off when I am in fight but that never happened. All my smartness and calculations fucked me up right in the ass when I was standing there like a fool who is about to get his bones shattered to dust if landed improperly.

I took my share of time standing there, looking at all of them, some holding beer, some jumping boobs, some swirling their t-shirt and everyone screaming. There was nothing that I could do to buy more time. Finally I was going to do it so I decided to take a whole full length breath and feel alive. I looked up in the sky and I saw this two birds swaying their whole body and floating in the air and they are just going with the flow. I felt this ease, this lightness in my body, I felt like I transformed into one of those birds who were not flying but swimming in the air like it’s water and there is nothing that can drown them because they totally gave themselves up to the rhythm. At this moment I was not concerned about getting hurt, getting laid or what my friends would think or my limitations as a human being. All I wanted to be that bird and feel the way it was feeling right now. All my inhibitions were vanished and I felt so powerful that I felt like I could levitate my body and just drop myself like a piece of feather and the wind would take care of me and drop me safely in the river.

I jumped and my whole body went down so quickly. The distance which seemed so long till now was appearing so short. It didn’t give me the time to panic or do anything. For half a second I think I felt what it’s like to be free and without control of any ideas, any theories or any illusions. I could feel every inch of my body touching the wind and moving forward cutting it through and the time finally came when the sheet of water was infront of me and I could hit through before I can blink my.....
”Excuse me! I would like to ask you all to wait outside, it’s time for his sponge bath.”

“Oh! Carla, you always interrupt when the good part is coming.”

“Alright everyone, lets take a break and I will be with you guys after my sponge bath.”

“Alright Carla, I am all yours. Do I have to get a bath everyday. It’s not like I am going anywhere”

“Mr. Larry, you are a dirty person. I wonder what would happened to you if I was not assigned to you.”

“Don’t mind Carla, it’s not that I don’t enjoy getting a sponge bath from a sexy nurse like you“

“Mr.Larry, I don’t understand you! how could you go over and over again the same tragedy that took away almost your life, left you paralyzed. People just keep on coming to take interviews and you tell the story like it’s not painful at all, why do you do that to yourself?”

“I been paralyzed for 20 years now, I never been to anywhere, I don’t have any friends and what seems to be tragedy to you all, is the only exciting thing that I have done in my entire life. I would like to warn other kids from my experience about the harmful nature of not being themselves and trying to be something else. What it does to you and how they can wind up like me in a bed with no life getting a sponge bath from a nurse who always interrupts me.”

“What is that? A ciggerette butt! You borrowed cigarette again from the interviewers?”

“What? Like cigarette is going to do anymore harm to me! Give me a break, Carla.”

“It’s not that you pretentious dick! It’s a fucking hospital for gods sake, there is no smoking allowed”

“Easy now! Carla, we need to keep that blood pressure on check”

“Gosh! I hate you.”

“I know, you do. Just be a doll and don’t let the door knock on your beautiful ass on the way out and let them interviews in! will you?”

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Everyone's got something to blame, because no one wants to look inside themselves.

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