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  #331  
Old 20th March 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Blue Prince View Post


Dear Ishikaaa

Pehle to you so much dear for reading and reviewing my story.

Doosra ki mujhe behad khushi hui ki aapko meri story pasand aayi.

Haan dear school life se related pyaar dikhane ki koshish ki hain. Us samay ka masoom pyaar aur ikraar. Ladki apne papa ke darr ki wajah se ladke ko kuch nahi bata payi. Wo pyaar to karti thi usse par sharaabi baap se darti bhut thi.

Haan ishikka dear ladki ke baap ne use maarne se pehle dhanda karwaya tha. Agar aap story main ek dialogue padho to usmein ladki ne kaha tha ki " main tumhe khoona nahi chahti" . Use lagta tha ki agar ladke ko pata laga ki woh aisa ganda kaam karti hain to ladka usko shorr dega. Wo yeh situation face karne se darti thi

Thank you so much again for your positive words. Haan punjabi hun toh thoda punjabi touch aa jaata hain.

With love

The Blue prince

Haan sir mujhe wakai kahani bht pasand aayi aur punjabi touch bht khobsurat lagta h mujhe … wo lines padhi thi maine par mere hisab se thoda aur samvaad hona chahiye tha ladke aur ladki ke beech me kyu ki kuchh missing sa hai .…lekin shayad " short stories spoon feeding aur faltu logic " se pare hoti hain … you are a very very good writer isme koi do rai hai hi nahi best of luck for contest
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  #332  
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Nafrat By Nimmi sir ji


Aahhaaaa see the magic … ise kahte hain kahani thank you so much sir itni khoobsurat kahani ke jariye kuchh kadwi sachaiyon se rubru karane ke liye


Aap ke shabd chayan , aapki narration , story line , flow super se thoda upar hain isse jyada mujhe kuchh nahi aata … yahan tak ki aap ne kahani ki kadiyon ko kitni bareeki se jod kar rakha hai… aur kahani ant shayad ek baar phir kahani ki shuruaat tak le gaya …
( jaisa ki maine mahsoos kiya )
kitna kuchh likh diya aapne wo bhi tay shabd seema me



kahani me jindgi ke meethe , kadwe , jhoothe , sachche kitne sare pahlu dikha diye aapne … saumitra ki dosti jiska koi mukabla hi nahi hai … manjri jaisi awsarwadi
( Opportunist ) aur practical ladkiya bhi hoti hain iss duniya me … maa ki mamta aur unke dwara di jaane wali ghani chhaw ko padh kar sach me aankhein bheeg gayi … mai apni mamma aur super mamma (dadi) ko thanks bhi bol kar aayi … aap se pahle maine CA ki story ke dauraan mamma ko thanks bola tha


Quote:
Maa rote rote sofe be baith gayee. Main wahin apna sar zameen pe gadaye baitha hua tha. Andar se bahut bura lag raha tha mujhe. Ye pahli baar nahin jab maine Maa ko rulaya ho. Jisne mere haath pakad ke mujhe sambhala tha, uski main aaj parehani bhi sambhalne main naakaam tha. Dil mera toota tha aur us dukh ki vajha se main apno ke dil tod raha tha. Main baithe baithe purane khalayon main kho gaya.
shayad jaane anjaane ye bhool sabhi se ho jati hai … maa ki aankh me aansu dekha jaaye to ye kisi paap se kam nahi hota hai …


Quote:
Aaj saari adhurain baatain poori ho chuki thi, dil halka lag raha tha. Maa ne dinner laga diya tha. Maine nischay kiya ki aaj use apne haath se khilaunga, naa jaane kitni raatain wo bhooki soyi hogi meri vajah se.
kaash har koi samhal jasye


Quote:
Meri aankhain nam thi aur hothon pe muskurahat. Dadi meri aaj bhi jee rahi thi nischal pyaar main aur main pata nahin kitni baar marr chuka tha nafrat apne andar paale. Jaane ka samay aaya to mud ke dekha maine dadi ko. Diwar ke sahare khadi hui rote hue mujhe dekh rahi thi. Main rundhe gale se chup chaap unhe dekhta raha jab tak wo mere aankh se ojhal nahin ho gayeen. Meri shadi ki khabar sun ke badi khush thi wo.


jee to kar raha hai sari kahani hi quote kar doon par shayad aap gussa ho jao isliye inn teeno ko hi quote kiya … meri fvrt hain ye sari … waise manjhri kitni badi chudail thi jo apne bf ko ye sab boli … kitna badlne ki koshish kiya om magar usne papa ki new car ka accident hua tha isliye shadi se mana kiya mil jaye to muh tod doon…


Quote:
Aur main ab intezaar bhi nahin kar sakti. Shadi ka pressure hai aur acche rishte bhi aaye hue hain. Main to kahti hoon ki tum bhi move on ho jaao aur is gusse pe kaboo karna sikho.



Ant behad pyara likha aapne … sari kahani ko ant me apne ek sutra me piro diya …Maine aaj ke din ki best story padhi
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  #333  
Old 20th March 2018
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CHORNI THI - DIL CHURA KE LE GYI By sajid 111 ,


Sabse pahle to aapka tah e dil se shukriya jo aapne itni ishq se labrej entry daali



Kahani Rishi aur Sameera ki hai jisme aapne bakhoobi dikhaya hai ki sachchi muhobbat jeet hi jati hai … Kahani ek diary ke charon taraf ghoomti hai jisme Rishi apni aur Sameera ki pahli mulakat se lekar hospital ( jahan wo khushkhabri ki wait kar raha tha ) tak ki har ek baat ko wo likhta tha …


Rishi aur Sameera me pyaar hua , ikraar bhi ho gaya par koi nahi samjh paya muhobbat ko … dono ki alag alag shadi kar di gayi par kahte hain naa sanjog ko kuchh aur majoor tha … dono do saal baad phir ek ho gaye … plot bilkul alag hai … aap ne achha likha hai par aap ise aur bhi achha likh sakte the kyu ki kahani me feelings ( dard aur tadap ) dala hi nahi aapne … Rishi ki tadap jiske chalte usne suiside nahi kiya kyu ki wo Sameera ko dekhte rahne ka mauka khona nahi chahta tha … situation soch kar hi sihran hoti hai use kahi naa kahi aap bhool gaye hain…


end bahut achha tha … koi soch bhi nahi sakta tha ki dono apni isi jindgi me dobara ek ho jayenge bahut achha laga Padh kar aap ki story …


All the best for contest dear:
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  #334  
Old 20th March 2018
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khawab:-ek pyara saa By xpchodu sir


thank you so much sir for your beautiful story …
Bahut hi alag sa plot hai story ka aur aapki writing style bhi kafi alag hai


aapne bahut hi khoosurti se samjha diya ki Muhobbat ka matlab har baar pana aur khona hi nahi hota balki kwaab bhi hota hai aur uss kwaab ko jeene me jo sukoon aur tasalli milti hai wo aur kahi bhi nahi milti hai …


Ek anokhi prem kahani Jo school se shuru hoti hai , jisme Raj ki ankahi muhobbat ko Anu kabhi samjh nahi pati aur life me aage padh jati hai … clg me pahunch kar Anu kisi aur ka sath chun leti hai par Raj toot jata hai par bikhrta nahi hai balki apni ektarfa pahli muhobbat se judi yaadon me khushiya talash leta hai …


ye kahani sabak hai unn sabhi ke liye jo ek tarfa pyaar ke chalte apni aur apno ki jindgi se khel jate hai … story ka flow bahut achha hai …


All the best for contest
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  #335  
Old 20th March 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ishikaaa View Post
Haan sir mujhe wakai kahani bht pasand aayi aur punjabi touch bht khobsurat lagta h mujhe … wo lines padhi thi maine par mere hisab se thoda aur samvaad hona chahiye tha ladke aur ladki ke beech me kyu ki kuchh missing sa hai .…lekin shayad " short stories spoon feeding aur faltu logic " se pare hoti hain … you are a very very good writer isme koi do rai hai hi nahi best of luck for contest
Dear Ishikaaa

Thank you again for the reply. Haanji aapne sahi kaha thoda zyaada sambaad hona chahiye tha. Par dear ladki ka character aisa tha ki papa ke darr ki wajah se wo kisi se baat nahi karti thi jyaada. Maine us soch ke saath jyaada nahin daala.

Short story ki wajah se kuch things readers ki imagination par shor di thin. Jaise ki last main bhi jab ladki ko pata chala ki ladka uske ghar aa jayega. Woh bhi sunday ka din. Kyunki sunday ko poora din ghar hoti hai to uska baaap dhandha karwata hain. To ladki ne baap ko ladke ke baare main normally bataya tha aur kaha tha ki us din dhandha na karwaye. Baap sanki aur sharaabi thaa. Ladayi jhagre ke dauran usne maar dala ladki ko. Ward boy ne woh hi bataya jo usne logon se suna tha.

Mujhe bahut aacha laga ki apne meri story read ki aur pasand kiya Ishikaa dear. Apki suggestions par gaur karunga dear.

With Love

The Blue Prince

  #336  
Old 20th March 2018
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Shayad yahi to pyar hai...

Writer - ishikaaa


Aapki is story ka plot bhi unik hai, kahaan to gaurav ko pyar par yakeen hi nahi tha aur jab pyar hua to ek nazar mein ho gya.

Kahaan to vo pyar ke against bhashan deta tha,

Quote:
ye wakai koi pavitra anubhooti hoti hai jo aap ke dil se sari nafrat ko nikal fenkti hai … jaruri nahi hai ki sabhi ke vichar pyaar ke baare me mujh jaise ho par aaj jitna mai pyaar ko jaan paya hoon shayad ye rishton ki oxygen hota hai jo rishton ki jindgi ke liye bahut jaruri hota hai … "
Par pyar hote hi uska nazariya badal gya.


Nandini ko bhi pyar par yakeen nahi tha par use bhi pahali mulaqat mein pyar ho hi gya.

Shayad dil ko dil se rah hoti hai, jab milte hain to pyar ka ahsas angdai lene lagta hai, gaurav aur nandini ke dil ko bhi pass pass aane ka intzar tha, dil pass aate hi pyar ho gya, par kisamt ko manjoor nahi tha to dono ek dooje ke nahi ho sake.


Aap ne gaurav ke pahali nazar ke pyar ki feeling ko khoobsurati se darshaya hai.

Ishikaa ji apne sahi samjhaya ki pyar kis kadar chand lamhon mein insan ki soch badal deta hai aur fir pyar ke aage kuchh dikhata nahi nahi hai.


Tabhi shayad kahate ki wo to pyar mein andha ho gya hai.


Aapki story mein insaan ke dil ki feeling kuchh is tarah ki hoti hain jaise aapne khud wo feeling mahsoos ki ho, superb

Kahani mein koi kami nahi hai par thodi aur badi hoti to pyar ke emotions jyada padhne milte.


I give 8/10 points.

Best of luck for contest


Last edited by MasterMinded : 20th March 2018 at 07:47 PM. Reason: spelling mistake

  #337  
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Quote:
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Shayad yahi to pyar hai...

Writer - ishikaaa


Aapki is story ka plot bhi unik hai, kahaan to gaurav ko pyar par yakeen hi nahi tha aur jab pyar hua to ek nazar mein ho gya.

Kahaan to vo pyar ke against bhashan deta tha,


Par pyar hote hi uska nazariya badal gya.


Nandini ko bhi pyar par yakeen nahi tha par use bhi pahali mulaqat mein pyar ho hi gya.

Shayad dil ko dil se rah hoti hai, jab milte hain to pyar ka ahsas angdai lene lagta hai, gaurav aur nandini ke dil ko bhi pass pass aane ka intzar tha, dil pass aate hi pyar ho gya, par kisamt ko manjoor nahi tha to dono ek dooje ke nahi ho sake.


Aap ne gaurav ke pahali nazar ke pyar ki feeling ko khoobsurati se darshaya hai.

Ishikaa ji apne sahi samjhaya ki pyar kis kadar chand lamhon mein insan ki soch badal deta hai aur fir pyar ke aage kuchh dikhata nahi nahi hai.


Tabhi shayad kahate ki wo to pyar mein andha ho gya hai.


Aapki story mein insaan ke dil ki feeling kuchh is tarah ki hoti hain jaise aapne khud wo feeling mahsoos ki ho, superb

Kahani mein koi kami nahi hai par thodi aur badi hoti to pyar ke emotions jyada padhne milte.


I give 8/10 points.

Best of luck for contest

dear story ko itni gahrayi se padhne ke liye … waise mai wakayi me likhte likhte doob jati hoon wo alag baat hai ki wapas bhi utni hi asani se aa jati hoon
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  #338  
Old 20th March 2018
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हम बेवफा हरगिज़ ना थे by cyclone aka kaddu ,


Thank you so much dear kaddu for such a wonderful story …


Bahut khoobi se aapne pyaar aur parwaah ko apni kahani me piro liya hai … bahut achha plot chuna pane aur use bahut khoobi se develop kiya … waise Devnagri se behtar aapki pakad hinglish me hai …


suspence achha banaya aapne shuruaat me to Rahul wakayi baddimag aur magroor lag raha tha par aisa nahi tha ye uski parwaah thi jiya ke liye jiski wajah se usne sabki nigaah me khud ko giraya …


Kahani me HIV ke liye achhi khasi jagrukta majood hai… Dr Manoj ne kafi kuchh bataya HIV ke bare me …



Quote:
एचआईवी वायरस साथ रहने, हवा से हवा , हाथ या गल्ले मिलने से नहीं फैलता, एचआईवी वायरस तभी फैलता जब एचआईवी मरीज जिससे एचआईवी नेगेटिव को खून देता हैं या सुई या सिरिंज का उपयोग करने से एचआईवी होता या फैलता है या अनप्रोटेक्टेड शारीरिक संबंध बनाने से, हा कंडोम पहने से सुरक्षित तो नहीं कहे सकते पर एचआईवी वायरस का चांस तोड़ा कम होता है क्यूंकि सीमेन के जाना असंभव होता है फिर भी तोड़ा रिस्की जरूर होता हैं ।
Kisi bhi rog ke baare me sahi jaankari bachhaw ke ek kadam kareeb le jati hai superb story dear


All the best for contest
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  #339  
Old 20th March 2018
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My Bloody Valentine by Bad Joker

"बाबूजी धीरे चलना, प्यार में, ज़रा सम्भलना
हाँ बड़े धोखे हैं,बड़े धोखे हैं इस राह में,
बाबूजी धीरे चलना ।

आपने कहा कि ये कहानी ब्लू व्हेल की ऐप से जान चली जाने वालो से समर्पित हैं । आपकी कहानी ब्लू व्हेल्स और वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड दोनों ऐप में एक दूसरे से मिलता जुलता भी हैं ।

ब्लू व्हेल ऐप में पहले निजी जानकारी और कुछ ऐसे चीज लिया जाता है जिससे खेलने वाला उसमें फंस ही जाता हैं । फिर इसके बाद खेल होता है असली खेल जो अंतिम सफर मौत ही होता हैं ।

और कुछ इसी तरह वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड ऐप भी ऐसा ही हैं । पहले मनचाहा गर्लफ्रेंड सेट करो और फिर इसके बाद ऐप से खेलने वाला व्यक्ति वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड को सचमुच का गर्लफ्रेंड की तरह चाहने लगता हैं । पर आपकी कहानी में एक कमी है और वो है कि जो आपने ऐप का स्टेटिस्टिक्स रिपोर्ट दिखाई दुनिया में ८८ % आदमी के पास वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड ऐप हैं, एक बात के लिए मान भी लें की वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड ऐप बहुत फेमस हैं पर ऐप इस्तेमाल करनेवाले ९४ % एडिक्शन का शिकार हुए हो । भाई अगर ऐसा हुआ ना, एक एग्जाम्पल के रूप में कहता हूं, मान लो कि मुझे वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड ऐप की लट्ट लग गई और मेरी असली वाली गर्लफ्रेंड ने वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड ऐप इस्तेमाल करते हुए देख लिया और मेरी असली गर्लफ्रेंड को पसंद नहीं आया और मुझे बंदूक से शूट कर देती हैं , वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड ऐप की फेमस के करें एम्बुलेंस कभी वक़्त में नहीं आएंगी और मैं रोड में तड़प रहा होता, कहने का मतलब है पॉपुलैरिटी दिखा सकते हो पर ऐप का एडिक्ट ९४ % है तो भाई कोई भी स्मार्टफोन यूजर्स कर रहा है, वो १० सेंतुरी में पहुंच जाएगा, एक ऑफिस फाइल तैयार करने में अगर २ घंटा लगता है तो वहीं काम १२ घंटे से ज्यादा लेंगा । इट्स सिम्पल , ९४ % एडिक्ट का मतलब वो सारा समय सिर्फ स्मार्टफोन पर लगा रहेगा । अब ये कहोगे की सारा समय स्मार्टफोन पर तोड़ी कोई रह सकता । काम करने के समय काम करेगा और फोन का इस्तेमाल करने का समय स्मार्टफोन इस्तेमाल करेगा पर आपने एडिक्ट का परसेंटेज इतना ज्यादा बताया है कि मेरे दिमाग में यही ख्याल आया । भाई हम भी स्मार्टफोन पर रहते है , और हमारे घरवाले यही बोलते रहते है हका दिन मोबाइल मोबाइल बस और कुछ काम नहीं हैं , अभी हम क्या बताएं कि हम मोबाइल में २ काम करते है एक मनोरंजन के लिए इस्तेमाल करते है और दूसरा हमारा रिटेल और होलसेल का काम करते हैं, २ इं 1 , और सोचो मुझे भी वर्चुअल गर्लफ्रेंड की लट लग गई तो काम तो कुछ होगा नहीं और रह जाएगा सिर्फ मनोरंजन के लिए ।

बस और कुछ नहीं कहना , कुछ ज्यादा ही लिख दिया और हो सकता है कुछ उल्टा पुल्टा भी लिख लिया हो पर क्या करे , एक बार लिख लिया तो लिख लिया । पर जो भी कहो आपकी कहानी मुझे बहुत पसंद आयी ।
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"Mumbai Mahanagari" [Completed] , "Hum Bewafa Hargiz na the (Prologue Section)" [Completed]
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Rekha and Manish by Trambak

Trambak bro after reading your first story, I was disappointed, there is nothing new and no emotions in the story but but but after reading your this story. I'm your fan now. It's brilliant and so adorable

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