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  #91  
Old 22nd February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by INDIAN_MAVERICK1190 View Post
The Curious Case of Rajkumari Avantika by my dearest Trambii

It takes me sometime to understand what's going on one is my friend Trambii (Tram unkil!! "Hey tram unkil why leaching" ) and the other is our spectacular Rooted

insurmountable problem! but where is the problem It's not funny


one of my favorite lines from meghdoot and how dare you call us the hypocrites​!



what is this?

And now about reviewing the story "NO COMMENTS" Review on BEDTIME STORY are you serious!




P.s. Trambii why the mockery? It hurts me after reading the reviews on this! I completely understand that People doesn't understand the thoughts behind the plot but this time it's all your fault and don't try to talk to me

I know I know. Well no mockery is intended and if it comes across as so, then I humbly accept the folly.

It's my mistake and I apologize. However, I just can't change my impulsive streak. What I thought would open the floodgates for quality submissions is yet to fructify.

But I thought you liked a bit of comedy, without any malice of course.

I assure that such unintended frivolity would be reined in future.

Till then.

Sayonara

Tram

  #92  
Old 23rd February 2018
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Review for दिल का आलम मैं क्या बताऊ तुझे

ज़ज़्बात ही जाने ज़ज़्बातों की कदर, हमने तो दिल को खोल कर रख दिया

अब इसे स्टोरी कहें या दिल का आलम, जो भी हो आपने बहुत शानदार लिखा।
कुछ डायलॉग तो गज़ब हैं जैसे

Quote:
मोबाइल की बैटरी ख़तम हुए काफी दिन हो गए है पर फिर भी जेब में रखता हु , अजीब सा हैं ना,
इससे ऐसा ही लग रहा है जैसे कि उस मोबाइल से भी अब लगाव हो गया है, जो दोनों को करीब रखता है लगता है जैसे वो इसी में बसी हो

Quote:
तेरे दिल का हाल मैं क्या बताऊ मेरी जाना, पर जब स्टेशन से वापिस मुडती है तो तेरी आँखों की नमी को अपने दिल में महसूस करता हु. जब जब वो रेल चलती है मैं दुआ करता हु की कुछ ऐसा हो जाये की मैं बस दौड़ के गले लग जाऊ तुम्हारे, और तुम बस थाम लो मुझे अपने आगोश में . रेल की छुक छुक में बेशक मेरे दिल की धक् धक् सुनाई नहीं देती पर मेरी जाना मैं तेरे सीने में में धडकता हु
सच में ये हर एक उस वीर के दिल का आलम है, जो एक प्यार को छोड़कर दूसरा प्यार निभाने जा रहा है। और यही उनका सबसे मुश्किल दौर भी है।

Quote:
एक बात और कहनी थी तुमसे की थोडा कम याद किया करो आजकल हिचकिया कुछ ज्यादा आती है . बाकी तुम और मैं तो है ही ..... और हमारी मोहब्बत
अंत में ये एक मीठी सी बात, किसी के भी होंठो पर मुस्कान ला सकती है

वैसे तो पूरा आलम मस्त था, लेकिन मुझे सबसे ज्यादा आपका ये वाला डायलॉग पसन्द आया है...
Quote:
उस घर को तू संभाल ले इस घर को मैं, और मेरी जाना जब तू साथ है तो काम हो ही जायेगा, हैं न,
with
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  #93  
Old 23rd February 2018
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My Thoughts on
The Valentine Lovers
by
wifyfantasy


If you ask me to give an ideal example of how can you make an otherwise simple plot to an very very pleasing read, I will guide them to 'The Valentine Love"

A newly married couple, deeply in love of each other, the boy decided to make a love nest in their honeymoon spot, works towards it, but unfortunately died due to an accident, the girl couldn't cope up with the loss, lost sanity, then recovered with the help of memory of her lost love and returned to the place to live with the memory...sounds filmy?

Wrong, once you read the writing of wifyfantasy, you will immerse yourself in the exquisite beautiful narration throughout the story to the end.

My top ratings for narration and usage of appropriate words in appropriate places.
As a mesmerized reader, if you ask me areas where you could have done something different, I would like to suggest you the plot itself needs improvement.
It was a bit on the flatter and predictable side.

If I were you, then I would have choose to tell the story from the house's point of view, an unfinished house, all exited about it's occupants arrival, suddenly lost all of them, now standing alone amidst the darkness and slowly rotting away would add an interesting perspective.

Great job indeed wifyfantasy. My best wishes for the contest and eagerly waiting for your 2nd story.
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Last edited by Bad_Joker : 23rd February 2018 at 06:38 PM.

  #94  
Old 23rd February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute_Angel2704 View Post
My Bloody Valentine
By Bad Joker

The choice of topic is a significance of great intellect! ek krur vastavikta jaha 70 pratishat log apne liye aese logon ko apne premi ke roop me chunte hai jo unhe parthib sukh de sake... aur bas mutthi bhar log hi ek kalpanashil dimaag aur chetnashil man ki kadr karte hai... aur isi beech kuch log piste rahte hai ...

is kahani me ek sachai ye bhi hai ke jo devloper hai wo khud ekelepan se pirit hai... aur un logon ko apna shikar banana chahta hai jo apat drishti me usse uska haq chinte hai... par un logon ke sath sath thik usiki tarah ek ladka jo unhi sab karono se jujh raha hai... wo bhi is app ka shikar ho raha hai...aur sath hi aese kuch log jo apni pasand ke mutabik sathi pane ke nashe me itne pagal hai ki insaan aur takneek ke bich ka fark hi bhool gaye hai

aur dono hi kirdaron ka bakhubi varnan kiya hai bj ne... haan hindi me ab bhi sudhar ki zaroorat hai... par pichli baar se kaafi better hai... kuch lines aesi hai jinme aj ki zindegi ka saara sar sameta hua hai...


^^last but not the least you and your wittiness

It was good read bj ... waiting for your second story... and best of luck for the contest
Quote:
aur bas mutthi bhar log hi ek kalpanashil dimaag aur chetnashil man ki kadr karte hai.
Aap bhi to un mutthibhar logo me se hi ek ho na hi Rosogoola !!

Thanks dear for your kind words, a perfect analysis of the story, I tried my best to draw the characters, but to tell you frankly it is really hard to guess the inside of all these messed up mind who are becoming addicted to social media upto such an extent, even ready to give life for that!!

Will try to improve my hindi. Thanks again for your encouragement.
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  #95  
Old 23rd February 2018
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My thoughts on

Anish/Anisha
by

Dodoo99

Dodo birds were extinct from the face of earth long ago, good to see you back.

Like good to see the well known movie plots of 'Mr ya Miss' ya fir "The Hot Chick" is back with your story.

The good thing about your story that you planned your dialogues well.

The improvement areas:

1st of all English. I think auto correct spoiled the game for you.
Some terrible spelling mistakes were there, so please work on that.

And also look after few loop holes like, if Anish sprayed the sperm, then why he should ask Shankar How was the girl?

My suggestion, please read again carefully before posting, since there is time, do it next day.

As I told before, you wrote good dialogues, but instead of 'Pow" Bam" and "Whip", better describe the shot.

Thanks for being part of VSC. Looking forward for a much better 2nd entry from you. This time, use indigenous plot, do not copy it from any movie and again and again read the draft before posting.

All the best dear.
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Last edited by Bad_Joker : 23rd February 2018 at 08:07 PM.

  #96  
Old 24th February 2018
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Namikaze Minato Namikaze Minato is offline
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Review: The Curious Case of Rajkumari Avantika
I really liked the genre, narration is smooth and story is one of a kind
I can see that many readers are disappointed with this attempt of the writer but l felt the opposite. For me it is like a “dilschasp kissa” sharing by a writer who has great command over his writing.
Very mature writing bro. Dil se loved it
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  #97  
Old 24th February 2018
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Namikaze Minato Namikaze Minato is offline
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Review: My Bloody Valentine
This is a bold attempt by the writer. Such stories are always mocked for moral policing.
Jealousy is worse than hatred. Main character of the story is an introvert guy who hates love but at the same time wanted to get loved. Amazing thing isn’t it
Narration was good but can be much better if it is rewritten by the writer himself.
For attempt
All the best
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  #98  
Old 24th February 2018
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Namikaze Minato Namikaze Minato is offline
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Review: Love: I Hate You
First of all thanks for the story and sorry for forcing you to write
Urdu ka istemaal karne ke liye aapka tahe dil se shukriya
Story is all about pure love. Everyone in this story is struggling to express their love honestly.
Again it’s DK’s story so there has to be some suspense
I love the twist, flow and narration. Overall it is an excellent story to read.
All the best.
KIMO CHI
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  #99  
Old 24th February 2018
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Review on "Ajeeb Hai Ishq Yara by samir1"
normal plot p ek normal si story hai,
spell mistake b hain lekin buhat achi koshish thi,
sahi kaha parents Kitna kuch karty hain itna to bnta hi hai lekin yar Akhri hissy me kiya kar diya ek ladki jis ka zikar pori story me ni Akhri line me ati hai aur heroine ban jati hai, jbky hero jo ek kony me Para ro raha hota hai kisi k samjhany p ek mint me man jata jaise intezar hi kar raha ho aur bike ki keys leky......

khair achi story thi jis me apne dikhaya hai k insan Kitna b chahy Qismat se ni lad sakta,

Goodluck for the contest
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  #100  
Old 24th February 2018
wifyfantasy wifyfantasy is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad_Joker View Post
My Thoughts on
The Valentine Lovers
by
wifyfantasy


If you ask me to give an ideal example of how can you make an otherwise simple plot to an very very pleasing read, I will guide them to 'The Valentine Love"

A newly married couple, deeply in love of each other, the boy decided to make a love nest in their honeymoon spot, works towards it, but unfortunately died due to an accident, the girl couldn't cope up with the loss, lost sanity, then recovered with the help of memory of her lost love and returned to the place to live with the memory...sounds filmy?

Wrong, once you read the writing of wifyfantasy, you will immerse yourself in the exquisite beautiful narration throughout the story to the end.

My top ratings for narration and usage of appropriate words in appropriate places.
As a mesmerized reader, if you ask me areas where you could have done something different, I would like to suggest you the plot itself needs improvement.
It was a bit on the flatter and predictable side.

If I were you, then I would have choose to tell the story from the house's point of view, an unfinished house, all exited about it's occupants arrival, suddenly lost all of them, now standing alone amidst the darkness and slowly rotting away would add an interesting perspective.

Great job indeed wifyfantasy. My best wishes for the contest and eagerly waiting for your 2nd story.
Thanks bro for a good & honest review. Romance stories are not really my genre & I wrote it quickly within few hours, so looking at your review it seems like it's not wasted effort

Your thought about telling it from house's pov is certainly very interesting perspective ...!
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