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  #41  
Old 16th February 2018
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Originally Posted by banned View Post
SACHCHA PYAR

Wah wah re wah wah re mere katore wah

2 line ki story ko 25000 characters mein kaise likhein ye koi tumse seekhe kumar babu

Aadhi story mein 500 logo ke introduction hain, jinka ek dialogue tak nahi poori kahani mein

Aadhi story mein bas ye hai "jaisa ki maine pahle bataya" kab bataya be ?

Love story likhne mein hero ke ghar ka architectural map kaun batata hai ? 2 floor, 8 kamre, bahan ka ye maa vo, ek store , kya hai ye ?

"Jaisa ki maine pahle bataya ki hero ne laal chaddi, peeli pant, hari baniyan, safed rumaal, kaali patloon, pahni hai" ye bhi pahle nahi bataya tha bhai
Na to hero ke baap ke kapdo ka showroom ka koi scene aaya jise tumne baar baar bataya to increase word count.
Na sneha ke baap aur maa ka koi kuchh lena dena aaya

Ek launda college gaya, samosha liya, samne ek laundiya baithi hai, uss laundiya ko on the spot uss launde se pyaar ho jaata hai, launde ko ek ladki takkar maarti hai , launde ko uss doosri ladki se pyaar ho jaata hai, launda use propose karne jaata hai, rukta hai , aur ye sochta hai " abey mere baap ka garment shop hai, 2 floor hain, 8 kamre hain, anjali meri bahan hai, sneha ke papa govt teacher hain, maa housewife hai, eklauti beti hai sneha unki, shruti shayad eklauti na ho, uska baap shayad ambani ho, maa neeta ambani ho, chhodo yaar sneha se hi i love bol deta hun"

Wah re wah


Dekho OT walo tumhe infraction dena ho de do, ban karna ho kar do, lekin review ye hi hai aur mere saath bahut bura hua hai
bhai bura kyun mante ho yaar......bachcha samajh ke maaf kardo yaar......galtiyan to sabse hoti hai......ek mujh se bhi ho gayi......btw for your review......main to isise hi khus hun ke stories ko comments and reviews to mil rahe hain achhi ho ya buri......!
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  #42  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanakya20 View Post
Saccha Pyar


Bhai pehle to mai aap ko bata doon ki jaisa ki aap ne kaha ki bhot si romantic stories padhi hai xp par. Par dekh kar aisa lagta hai ki sirf insect padhi ho.

Story ki shuruwat ek insect tarike se hui hai... Muje aisa hi laga ki shyad insect story ho.. kyoki anjali apne bhai se bhot pyar karti hai uar ek min bhi reh nahi sakti... Aisa intro me likha hai...

Kahani aage badhti hai, lekin kuch vhize dalne ki bilkul bhi zaruraat nahi thi... Jaise aaj ye kapde pehne... Khana khane ke baad plates utha li... Dhoyi... Wapas rakhi...

Useless description

Aadhi story ke baad heroine ke entry hoti hai...

Waise ek chiz reh gayi hai...

Shruti ka intro vo to diya hi nahi... Uske maa baap kaun hai, kitne bhai bhen hai... Pita kya karte hai... Bhai bhen kya karte hai... Dining table par khana khate hai ki zameen par baith kar... Kapde kaise pehante hai western ya indian... Kitne carode ki property hai... Ye bhool gaye bhai tum batana

Waise remember first rule of romantic story...

Ya to ladka ameer hota hai ya ladki... Ya dono...
many many thanks bhai for your precious comment & review......ye to bas ek kosis thi taki main ye jaan sakun ke meri kahan kahan galti ho rahi hai aur main use sudhar sakun......wait for my next story......!
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  #43  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kumar97 View Post
bhai bura kyun mante ho yaar......bachcha samajh ke maaf kardo yaar......galtiyan to sabse hoti hai......ek mujh se bhi ho gayi......btw for your review......main to isise hi khus hun ke stories ko comments and reviews to mil rahe hain achhi ho ya buri......!
Bura nahi maana bhai
Wah wah kiya hai

Ulta kyun lete hain log

Koi baat nahi, ek aur entry daal do, 2 allowed hain.

Bas meri ek request hai

Font normal rakho, ye neele neele ambar pe chaand jab chhaye to meri aankhe foot jaaye , normal font rakho please

Aur haan, "jaisa ki maine pahle bataya" ye jyada mat batana

Waiting for your next story, iss baar hila daalo sabko
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Last edited by banned : 16th February 2018 at 10:18 AM.

  #44  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kumar97 View Post
many many thanks bhai for your precious comment & review......ye to bas ek kosis thi taki main ye jaan sakun ke meri kahan kahan galti ho rahi hai aur main use sudhar sakun......wait for my next story......!
Try kiya bhot acchi bat hai, bas faltu description de kar story ko lama na karo, jin chizo ki story me zarurat nahi vo dalke koi matlab nahi...

Waise tumhari skill dekh kar lagta hai ki tum long story likh sakte ho
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  #45  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vijay2309 View Post
Bloody Valentin..by bad joker


Gande jokar bhai ek accha writer ek chhote se tinke par bhi kahani likh sakta hai or aapne to ek aise subject par kahani likh daali jisne naa jaane kitne masoomo ko bali chadha diya...

Kahani ka patr jo ek developer hai shuru mai aisa laga jaise wahi is kahani ka hero banega....lekin us haivaan darinde ke dimaag mai durbhavna or jalan ne aisi jagah bana li ki pura sansaar he use apna dushman nazar aane laga....aapki writing skill ke baare mai kuch bhi kahne ki okaat nahi hai meri or na he kisi tarah ki koi galti nikalne ki himmat....ye kahani jaha akele rahne ka dard dikhati hai wahi ye kahani insaan ki shaitani fitrat bhi dikhati hai jo lalach or badle ki bhawna mai bah kar sab kuch tabaah karta chala jaata hai....


Gande jokar bhai aaj kaafi mahino baad koi acchi story padhi jo dimag ke taar kisi jhunjhune ki tarah hila gayi or jab aapne is kahani ko blue whale game se joda to aankho mai kab aansu bhar aaye pata he nahi chala thanx gande jokar bhai ye asal mai ek true story hai.

Best of luck for contest
Vijay Bru for reading and reviewing my story.
Main bahoot khush hu ki aapko mera story pasand aya.
Ye story typical love story nehi hai, balki ek hate story hai jo samaj me nab-yubako ko pseudo-love ka vram dete huye gumrah karti hai.
Agar ye story do saal pahle bhi hoti, to sayad absurd hoti, tumhare sath main bhi sochta, 'Aisa hota hai kya sachme?? Kaise koi ek software ke kahne par apna jaan de dega!! Admi itna bevkuf thodehi hota hai!! Lekin aaj jab ye Blue-whale ka najara hum logo ke samne hai, ye story achanak pertinent ho jati hai.

Jaisa ki main pahle bahoot bar bol chuka hu, main aise hi likh leta hu, but I am not a writer, na to mere paas aap jaisa samvedanshil mann hai, na hi koi pahle se tai kiya gaya plot.

Aap logo ko achcha laga, yehi mere liye bahut hai bhai. Thanks again for your precious review.
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  #46  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trambak View Post
Review
My Bloody Valentine
By Bad Joker



The virtual valentine girlfriend, a monstrosity, a blue whale program slowly extends its tentacles like a giant octopus and sucks out a man's ability to recognize real death.

What is interesting is that the masculine ego refuses to recognize the trap and embraces as its friend.

The protagonist extracts his revenge for his neglect that stems out of our obsession with good looks. He uses his intelligence to introduce an application that slowly but surely spreads like a narcotic and numbs the mind and converts humans to zombies.

The linguistic prowess of 'Bad Joker' is evident from the ease with which he weaves his narrative. The staccato of talking to self is an additional novelty. The anger is evident.

The slow submission of the human race to technology is frightening, to say the least.

A diificult topic to choose.

Great job.

All the best.

Trambak
Dear Tram,

I am neither Bad, nor Joker, nor mature not even interesting.
I am a Mature Interesting Bad Joker, and we people talk like that only

Jokes apart, thanks for reading and reviewing my story.

Nicely summed up and explained the story.

Basically I thought this story as a comedy, a completely different plot, and I was about to present it with my new thread in NHB wishing all singles in Valentine day!
But since I am not a seasoned writer, and I dont have much thought clarity, my story took turn in between and ended up like this, yes it all happened while writing.

What is darkness? It is absence of light. And what is hate? It is absence of Love.

Thanks again for going through the trouble of reading otherwise a very difficult to understand language, Hindi in Roman font !! I would like to request you, if possible and if time permits, also review some more stories. Any encouragement and suggestion from Trambak is going to be a treasure worth keeping for any writers.
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  #47  
Old 16th February 2018
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The curious case of Raajkumari Avantika

First of all. for posting first story in the contest

Now about story.

I like the epilogue most
What's this a fairytale that a father is telling to his child. Although story seems interesting till he met prince. Poori story ka satyanaash kar diya

Bhai mere jab tane itti hi haryanvi aave hai to pooriye na suna deta. ****************.

Chal koi na epilogue mast diya tane

P.S. These are my personal views. If writer find it offended, the just pm me and I will edit it

Last edited by humtum : 17th February 2018 at 01:51 AM. Reason: be polite

  #48  
Old 16th February 2018
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Review on "My Bloody Valentine
By Bad Joker"


What a story! Waqi me kamal writing skill hai ap me,
Aur ager pichly vcs me ye story post hoti to ek kamjor story rehti mager ab...... Ye sachai k bilkul pas bhatkti hai, story parhty hoi aisa laga jaise mein sab apni Ankhon k samny daikh raha hoon, Alfaz ni hain k kais tareef karon lekin apky ek FAN ki bat se agree hoon, " dear ap un writers me se ho jo ek tinky p b story likh sakty hain, abi to ap koi writer ni ho ager hoty to?............
Slute

Good luck for the contest
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Wo Humsafar Tha Mera on Valentin 2017

http://www.xossip.com/showthread.php...1#post70619561

Last edited by theHunter1122 : 17th February 2018 at 07:16 AM.

  #49  
Old 16th February 2018
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Review on "Raat Baqi hai.....by Itzcarl3

Kiya story hai wah....
Es story me hero budha horaha kuch ni to 40 sal ka to hoga hi aur jawani me uski heroin se bat facebook p hoti hai,
Dost bura mat manana lekin kuch to fact rakho her cheez kalpana p to ni banti tab bc facebook kahan se agaya,
Story just story hi na ho uska haqiqi zindgi se b taluq zarori hai,
Khiar pehli story hai apki, umeed reh gi agli story kamal hogi, and plz dil p mat lena q k just thory si story padhi mein ne aur sar ki nassein hill gayein agy padhny k himmat ni hoi aur na hi hogi q k jis zaban me apne story likhi hai us k liye mujhe language k liye coaching ki zarorat pary gi aur umar ka takaza hai k mein ni jaskta waha
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Wo Humsafar Tha Mera on Valentin 2017

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  #50  
Old 16th February 2018
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Review of Raat Baaki hai

Sabse pehle apni peeth thapthapaunga ki poori story padh hi li aakhir

Bhasha par aapki pakad achi nahin hai aur khaskar uchcharan ki to watt laga rakhi hai mamu

Facebook kahan se chala liya bhai. Time travel karke gaye the kya? Dead body bhi 2 din se rakhi rahi kyunki 2 din tak tum ishu ko dhoondh rahe the.

Dono ki maut kaise huyi uska bhi khulasa nahin huya

Kul jama kar story naam ki koi cheez nahin thi

Halanki tumne emotions dalne ki koshish ki khaskat last para mein lekin tumhari asudh hindi ki wajah se wo feelings nahin aa payi

Anyway best of luck for the contest

P.S.: This is my personal view. If writer found it offended please pm me, I will edit it.

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