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  #51  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cool_guy1 View Post
The curious case of Raajkumari Avantika

First of all. for posting first story in the contest

Now about story.

I like the epilogue most
What's this a fairytale that a father is telling to his child. Although story seems interesting till he met prince. Poori story ka satyanaash kar diya

Bhai mere jab tane itti hi haryanvi aave hai to pooriye na suna deta. Jib maja aan laga tab tane story ki g**nd maar di.

Chal koi na epilogue mast diya tane

P.S. These are my personal views. If writer find it offended, the just pm me and I will edit it
Hi cool_guy1

Why should I get offended? All of us who are experimenting with writing need frank views and suggestions for improvement.

It would have been useful for me had you done the review in a little more detail and pointed out the flaws (whether technical, conceptual or pertaining to the basic approach of storytelling).

A good reviewer is difficult to find and therefore there are prizes for 'the best reader'.

Thank you for liking the epilogue. That's my favourite too.

Love.

Trambak

  #52  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theHunter1122 View Post
Review on "My Bloody Valentine
By Bad Joker"


What a story! Waqi me kamal writing skill hai ap me,
Aur ager pichly vcs me ye story post hoti to ek kamjor story rehti mager ab...... Ye sachai k bilkul pas bhatkti hai, story parhty hoi aisa laga jaise mein sab apni Ankhon k samny daikh raha hoon, Alfaz ni hain k kais tareef karon lekin apky ek FAN ki bat se agree hoon, " dear ap un writers me se ho jo ek tinky p b story likh sakty hain, abi to ap koi writer ni ho ager hoty to?............
Slute
Thank you Hunter Bhai, I am glad you liked my story.
Pichle VSC me main ye plot likhna to dur, bahut saare ganja pineke baad bhi aisa plot soch bhi nehi sakta. Or agar koi likh bhi deta, to main apne review me kahta, story reality se bahut hi dur hai, aisa real life me ho sakta kya!!

Lekin dost, ek kahawat hai ke "truth is stranger than fiction" To aaj ke dinme chahe wo Blue whale ho ya fir Bangkok me GTA game se pravabit ho kar Taxi drivar ka murder...yehi dekha ja raha hai ke yuva pidi reality or Virtual duniya ka antar samajh bhula chuke hai, unko ye samajh me nehi aa raha hai, yaha par dubara life nehi milti hai, bas ek baar me 'Game Over"

Isi karan kal ka befizul ka plot aaj ek sachchai ban ke rah gaya.

Bahut bahut shukriya dost aapke review ke liye.
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  #53  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cool_guy1 View Post
Review of Raat Baaki hai

Sabse pehle apni peeth thapthapaunga ki poori story padh hi li aakhir

Bhasha par aapki pakad achi nahin hai aur khaskar uchcharan ki to watt laga rakhi hai mamu

Facebook kahan se chala liya bhai. Time travel karke gaye the kya? Dead body bhi 2 din se rakhi rahi kyunki 2 din tak tum ishu ko dhoondh rahe the.

Dono ki maut kaise huyi uska bhi khulasa nahin huya

Kul jama kar story naam ki koi cheez nahin thi

Halanki tumne emotions dalne ki koshish ki khaskat last para mein lekin tumhari asudh hindi ki wajah se wo feelings nahin aa payi

Anyway best of luck for the contest

P.S.: This is my personal view. If writer found it offended please pm me, I will edit it.
I will try men to improve it thanks for review. You read full story for that you get full marks

  #54  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trambak View Post
Hi cool_guy1

Why should I get offended? All of us who are experimenting with writing need frank views and suggestions for improvement.

It would have been useful for me had you done the review in a little more detail and pointed out the flaws (whether technical, conceptual or pertaining to the basic approach of storytelling).

A good reviewer is difficult to find and therefore there are prizes for 'the best reader'.

Thank you for liking the epilogue. That's my favourite too.

Love.

Trambak
trambak to take it in a positive way

First of all a fairytale means it gives a lesson to everyone

Aapki story sahi gati mein ja rahi thi bas use patri se kheench ka nahin utarte. Story ka end bahut jaldi kar diya aur wo bhi bilkul atpate dhang se.

Tum dono ka pyaar mein padna dikha sakte the ek dusre ko jaane bina

Raajkumari ka najariya badalwa sakte the

Lekin nahin poori story ek jhatke mein khatam kar di

Narration bhi aisi thi ki laga hi nahin koi actual story ho laga jaise koi kisi R ko mangadanth story suna raha ho (waise main bhi R hi hun )

Kahin se bhi khud ko story se attach hi nahin kar paaya

Sorry for that bro

Last edited by cool_guy1 : 16th February 2018 at 09:48 PM.

  #55  
Old 16th February 2018
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Review on My Bloody Valentine

First of all and for choosing such a serious and touchy subject

God knows! tumhara likha sach ho jaye

Now about the story

Ye story ek akelepan se joojh rahe us bande ki jhunjhulahat ko dikhlata hai jo apne akelepan ko door karme ka tarika dhoondhne ke bajaye auron ko bhi apne jaisa bana dena chah raha ho

Hindi ki spelling mistakes thi kuch but aapki flawless writing skills ki gehrayi mein doob gayi

Subject acha tha but plot weak tha. I know you can do better than that

Best of luck for the contest

  #56  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cool_guy1 View Post
Review on My Bloody Valentine

First of all and for choosing such a serious and touchy subject

God knows! tumhara likha sach ho jaye

Now about the story

Ye story ek akelepan se joojh rahe us bande ki jhunjhulahat ko dikhlata hai jo apne akelepan ko door karme ka tarika dhoondhne ke bajaye auron ko bhi apne jaisa bana dena chah raha ho

Hindi ki spelling mistakes thi kuch but aapki flawless writing skills ki gehrayi mein doob gayi

Subject acha tha but plot weak tha. I know you can do better than that

Best of luck for the contest
Thank you for reading and reviewing my story.
Agar ye sach honewali baat pahle shunte to bahut hanste humlog, lekin aaj ye ek dardnak realty hai.

Hindi...well Hindi me main bahut hi kamjoor hu, isi liye is story me bahut kosis karke thoda grammar or spelling thik karne ka kosis kiya. Firvi kasr rah gaya, sorry for that.
Thanks again dear.
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  #57  
Old 16th February 2018
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Entry : Muche huwa chachi se sacha piyar (true love story)

Should be disqualified for Incest Theme.

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  #58  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cool_guy1 View Post
trambak to take it in a positive way

First of all a fairytale means it gives a lesson to everyone

Aapki story sahi gati mein ja rahi thi bas use patri se kheench ka nahin utarte. Story ka end bahut jaldi kar diya aur wo bhi bilkul atpate dhang se.

Tum dono ka pyaar mein padna dikha sakte the ek dusre ko jaane bina

Raajkumari ka najariya badalwa sakte the

Lekin nahin poori story ek jhatke mein khatam kar di

Narration bhi aisi thi ki laga hi nahin koi actual story ho laga jaise koi kisi R ko mangadanth story suna raha ho (waise main bhi R hi hun )

Kahin se bhi khud ko story se attach hi nahin kar paaya

Sorry for that bro

Dear cool_guy

I read your analysis of my story.and I think this time you have done some justice.

This is much better when I compare it with your first review.

Scathing remarks are hurtful but may be necessary but to use foul language like 'g''nd maar di' etc are something that's surely not in good taste specifically if you are talking about a fellow xossipian whom you do not know well.

Each of us can abuse. But that's NOT the intention and we can disagree without being disagreeable.

Stories will come and go but what is the requirement of being abusive while reviewing a story, I am unable to understand.

I will suggest that you should enter the contest with something thought provoking that would enrich the contest and not unnecessarily use abusive language without reason.

Abusing does not make you a cool guy.

Hopefully, you will oblige

Trambak

Last edited by Trambak : 16th February 2018 at 11:29 PM.

  #59  
Old 17th February 2018
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Muche huwa chachi se sacha piyar (true love story)

Waise to mai insect story padhta nahi, par firbhi its a contest entry so...

Kahani ki shuruwat me, jb accident ki baat hui to aisa laga ki jaise chacha ka bhot hi khatarnak accident hua hai jb vo shadi karke laut rahe the. Lekin pata nahi kyo chachi ko ek kharoch bhi nahi ayi

Dekha jaye to chacha ne apni aadhi umar ki ladki se shadi ki

Flow kafi accha hai story ka lekin dialogue delivery me thoda takleef hai...

Baki shabdo ke zariye jo emotions prastut kiye hai, usme muje zara bhi rona nahi aya

Aur last me jo bhanda phoda chachi ne, usme kuch suspense jaisa tha hi nahi
Chachi asal me apne pati ki beti hai agar nahi bhi hoti to kya farak padta

All the best for future.
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Last edited by Chanakya20 : 17th February 2018 at 12:14 AM.

  #60  
Old 17th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanakya20 View Post
Muche huwa chachi se sacha piyar (true love story)

Waise to mai insect story padhta nahi, par firbhi its a contest entry so...

Kahani ki shuruwat me, jb accident ki baat hui to aisa laga ki jaise chacha ka bhot hi khatarnak accident hua hai jb vo shadi karke laut rahe the. Lekin pata nahi kyo chachi ko ek kharoch bhi nahi ayi

Dekha jaye to chacha ne apni aadhi umar ki ladki se shadi ki

Flow kafi accha hai story ka lekin dialogue delivery me thoda takleef hai...

Baki shabdo ke zariye jo emotions prastut kiye hai, usme muje zara bhi rona nahi aya

Aur last me jo bhanda phoda chachi ne, usme kuch suspense jaisa tha hi nahi
Chachi asal me apne pati ki beti hai agar nahi bhi hoti to kya farak padta

All the best for future.
Bhai jo shachi thi wo mene byaan ki he is me kuch add nahi kiya apni tarf se or rahi baat accedant wali to bhai thread ko short karne me shayad me ne wo line mis kar di ho jis mene chachi ka zikar nahi kiya ye meri galti he
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